The Golden Gaffe/Script

Opening Dialogue

Outrealm Gate

• Victor: Oi, Vincent! Why the long face, mate? You look like the lad what got bounced from the pub.
• Vincent: It's me pockets, Victor! They're lighter'n a vicar's purse on tax day. I laid down to 'have a little kip an' woke up to find me gold gone! Ain't been this broke since me dear ol' mum blew the rent on bangers an' mash.
• Victor: Now now, don't be such a mug! I knows 'ow to replace yer coin. We just go in this 'ere mansion, kill all them Risen, nick their gold, and Bob's yer uncle!
• Vincent: Blimey, Vic! You really fink them dead blokes are carryin' 'round cash? It don't make no sense.
• Victor: ​Nuffin' makes sense 'ere, mate, so don't try to suss it out. Like, 'ow'd we get 'ere, like? And 'ow'd we get such trig 'aircuts? You just gotta roll wiv it.
• Vincent: Blimey, Vic, yer right! This 'ere's a bloody gold mine! I'll be so loaded down wiv the shiny stuff, me knees'll buckle!
• Chrom: Hello? ...Is someone there?
• Victor: Cor! What's this then? A fly in the ol' ointment, eh?
• Vincent: That bloke'll foil our grand plan, 'e will! Time to do a runner, Vic!
• Chrom: ...What did I just hear?

Before Battle Starts

• Lissa: Oh, no! Chrom! You won't believe this!
• Chrom: What's wrong?
• Lissa: The Risen stole our gold! ...All of it!
• Chrom: Our entire war chest? How could that happen?!
• Lissa: No, no, hold on. When I said "our gold", what I really meant was "my gold". I can see how that might sound confusing there... Robin was guarding the army's cash reserve, so that's totally safe. But my nest egg! The Risen made off with my life savings!
• Chrom: ...You have a nest egg?
• Lissa: Well, sure? We all put a little money aside for...you know. Personal stuff? I save whatever I make or find in the gutter or whatever. It adds up!
• Chrom: Gods, Lissa, you pick up coins from the gutter?
• Lissa: Um, yeah. Doesn't everyone?
• Frederick: Indeed we do! To think, all those hours of backbreaking labour, wasted...
• Chrom: Frederick?! Not you, too?!
• Frederick: I'm afraid so, milord. Those blasted ghouls pilfered my entire savings. We should strike back at once! Teach them a lesson about touching my- Er... That is, they could go on to rob others! We must strike for future generations' sake!
• Chrom: Right. And certainly not out of greed or embarrassment...
• Frederick: Precisely, milord. Now, to battle!
• Lissa: Yeah, Chrom! To battle! ...And all that other stuff Frederick said!
• Chrom: *sigh...*

Pre-Battle quotes

Chrom

“Why in the seven hells am I fighting for someone else's nest egg? I don't think I've had a less inspiring cause in my whole life. Well, as long as there are enemies here. I may as well use them for training.”
—Chrom's pre-battle quote.

Robin

“So Lissa and Frederick were saving up money on the side, eh? Perhaps I've been managing the army's finances a bit too strictly... The least I can do is win back my friend's private savings.”
—Robin's pre-battle quote.

Lissa

“You're that Risen that skulked off earlier! Where's my gold, jerk?! I picked those coins out of the gutter! I brought secondhand petticoats! Yeesh, I'm starting to feel pathetic...”
—Lissa's pre-battle quote.

Frederick

“Are you the Risen who's been doing all the thieving? You stole from a princess, too! ...I cannot let this go unpunished. Prepare to be shaken down, knave!”
—Frederick's pre-battle quote.

Sully

“You the dastard who took my gold? You got me good. Pretty quick for a Risen, aren't you... But not as quick as my boot's about to find your arse!”
—Sully's pre-battle quote.

Virion

“Face it, you pilfering Risen. I have outwitted you. I am too clever to carry gold on my person! Stop glaring! I have money! ...I just don't carry it.”
—Virion's pre-battle quote.

Stahl

“*sigh* I wonder which of these Risen ran off with MY money. I was saving that gold for a good meal... *groan* Aw, why'd I have to go and think about food?”
—Stahl's pre-battle quote.

Vaike

“The Vaike doesn't save money, so I got no quarrel with you. The Vaike's friends, on the other hand? They kinda want you dead. And ol' Teach leaves no plea unanswered!”
—Vaike's pre-battle quote.

Miriel

“I am far too organized to fall victim to larceny. However, the thought of you ransacking the belongings of others disquiets me. Think of the mess you make in the process! You simply must perish.”
—Miriel's pre-battle quote.

Sumia

“G-give me back my gold! That's all I have to pay for the stuff I break when I trip! And I trip a LOT...”
—Sumia's pre-battle quote.

Kellam

“If you lot have been stealing from everyone, why'd you leave my gold? It's sitting right in my tent! In a bag with the word "GOLD" on the side! Gosh, even my wallet lacks presence...”
—Kellam's pre-battle quote.

Donnel

“I dunno what a "nest egg" is, exactly. Never had them on the farm. But I DO know what a thief is, and thieves deserve to be punished!”
—Donnel's pre-battle quote.

Lon'qu

“The others lost their gold because they were reckless. I always keep one eye glued on my valuables, so I never- ...What? My gold! Damn you, fiend! How did you do that?!”
—Lon'qu's pre-battle quote.

Ricken

“You're the gold thieves, aren't you? How dare you! I was so close to buying that medicine that's supposed to make me taller! Now, not only am I short on funds. I'm stuck being short, period!”
—Ricken's pre-battle quote.

Maribelle

“Honestly, I'm a bit shocked a princess like Lissa had to save gold on the side. But I'm MORE shocked at you! Why didn't you steal from me? Do I look poor to you? DO I?!”
—Maribelle's pre-battle quote.

Gaius

“*sigh* Beaten at my own game of thievery. I'll never live this down... And why'd you have to go and take my sweets, too? Take my gold, but leave the sugary stuff alone, damn you!”
—Gaius' pre-battle quote.

Panne

“It seems man-spawn and dead-spawn alike like to hoard their money. The taguel have no such custom. But if the others are so desperate to reclaim their gold, I will help.”
—Panne's pre-battle quote.

Cordelia

“So everyone else was keeping the gold they found for themselves... I always deliver what I find to Chrom. It gives us a chance to talk! *siiiiiiiiigh* Wait, this is no time to get dreamy! Focus, Cordelia, focus!”
—Cordelia's pre-battle quotes.

Gregor

“Have you no principle, stealing from gentleman like Gregor? Now Gregor completely broke! For shaming on you! Gregor think naughty Risen need iron spanking!”
—Gregor's pre-battle quote.

Nowi

“I don't bother with gold, so you're wasting your time with me. All I've got is my pouch for food, my pouch for dragonstones, and my... HEY! Where's my pouch for sparklies?! Give me back my sparklies, you creep!”
—Nowi's pre-battle quote.

Libra

“My gold is yours. But I must ask that you return the rest. I promise no harm will come to you if you do. ...You're not listening, are you? Very well. We'll do this the hard way.”
—Libra's pre-battle quote.

Tharja

“How dare you steal my tool kit. I would have GIVEN you my gold. But the lock of Robin's hair in that pouch was...priceless. Return it now, or I will kill you a thousand times over!”
—Tharja's pre-battle quote.

Anna

“"Robbery" is one of my danger words, but it looks like I escaped unscathed. My shops are one thing, but no one can know about my, er, personal accounts. And YOU won't be telling them! I can promise you that...”
—Anna's pre-battle quote.

Olivia

“That was very cruel of you to steal my gold... I was saving it to build a theater one day, and you...you... You will give it back, you creep!”
—Olivia's pre-battle quote.

Cherche

“Shame on you. I needed that gold to buy feed for Minerva. I could give her you instead, but the rotten flesh might not agree with her. I suppose I'll just have to take my money back the hard way. So long!”
—Cherche's pre-battle quote.

Henry

“Are you the one who stole my bag? Because the stuff in there'll probably kill you slowly and painfully. Just saying. Aw, but I'm a nice guy, so come here. I'll finish you off quickly. Hold still...”
—Henry's pre-battle quote.

Say'ri

“Are you the fiend who robbed Lady Lissa and Sir Frederick? Aye, you are, I wager. Stealing is a weighty crime... Unless 'tis me stealing back from your broken corpse!”
—Say'ri's pre-battle quote.

Tiki

“Thousands of years I've lived, and this is my first fight over spending money. But I am part of this army, and I will do my part. ...Now let's get this farce over with so I can forget it ever happened.”
—Tiki's pre-battle quote.

Basilio

“Why do these sprogs hang on to money? I sure don't! Ba ha ha! Hell, I drank away every coin I found within the first hour... Still, if they're that beat up over it. I guess I'll help 'em get it back.”
—Basilio's pre-battle quote.

Flavia

“You think we have time to fritter away with you here in the Outrealms? There's another world that needs saving, you greedy sods! Now die a second time, and cough up the coin you've taken!”
—Flavia's pre-battle quote.

Lucina

“You're lower than the usual Risen if you're plundering gold now. I cannot allow you to carry on like this any longer. You'll die on my blade before you trouble my father again!”
—Lucina's pre-battle quote.

Owain

“Give Mom's gold back! What a rotten thing to... Er, I mean... Repent, foul takers of my mother's beloved and shiny fortunes! Today you shall pay only in blood!”
—Owain's pre-battle quote.

Inigo

“Er, would you mind giving back my wallet now? The notes in there are dance routines, and if the wrong eyes saw them, I may... N-never mind! I'll just kill you and take them myself!”
—Inigo's pre-battle quote.

Brady

“How dare you bozos yoink my savings! How am I going to buy tea leaves and violin strings or repair chess pieces?! I'll make ya pay for interferin' with my nonviolent pursuits!”
—Brady's pre-battle quote.

Kjelle

“How did you make off with everyone's gold undetected? We post guards! ...Could it be you're more gifted than the average Risen? If so, you'll make a worthy foe. En garde!”
—Kjelle's pre-battle quote.

Cynthia

“Return the stolen gold, you putrid purloinrers! 'Cause if you don't, I might just have to lose my temper! Grrrr! ... Aw, c'mon, please? Those are my special hero savings!”
—Cynthia's pre-battle quote.

Severa

“You took my wallet, didn't you? You lousy little turd! Give it back this instant or I'll...I'll...*sniff*. The gold in there was a gift from my mother...before she died...”
—Severa's pre-battle quote.

Morgan

“How could you steal from me? I was going to buy more books, and... and... And knock Father/Mother's socks off when he/she saw how much I'd learned! How dare you interfere with my ploys to get attention!”
—Morgan's pre-battle quote.

Gerome

“Pickpocketing? Hmph... How petty can you get? I have a greater purpose than punishing pond scum in this godforsaken plane. Die quickly so I can return to more sensible pursuits.”
—Gerome's pre-battle quote.

Yarne

“Eek! What the heck are you? I don't have any gold! We taguel only store up food! Ye gods, am I going to meet my doom over the pocket change of others?!”
—Yarne's pre-battle quote.

Laurent

“I've been robbed? Me? The shock of it! The gold is one thing, but these fiends even stole my favorite lens cloth. I must rectify this matter before any more fingerprints accumulate!”
—Laurent's pre-battle quote.

Noire

“BLOOD AND THUNDER! WHERE IS MY GOLD, AND WHERE IS THE WRETCH WHO TOOK IT?...WHAT? WAS IT YOU? YOU LOOK...kind of strong, actually...Too strong for me to beat...Oh, I'll never get my money back, will I?”
—Noire's pre-battle quote.

Nah

“While I'm hardly attached to material possessions, this hurts quite a bit. It took a lot of hard work to save up that emergency fund, you know! And I mean, you stole from a child! Have you no shame at all?”
—Nah's pre-battle quote.

Gangrel

“You the dirty lowlife that stole my gold? Good for you! ...Unfortunately, you robbed scum even lower than you. And that comes at a high and painful price, my shambling friend!”
—Gangrel's pre-battle quote.

Walhart

“Only a wretch would grasp at the gold clinking in the pockets of others. You want to steal from a conqueror? Best pray that coin doesn't melt in hell.”
—Walhart's pre-battle quote.

Emmeryn

“Return...our money...you thieving...fiend...”
—Emmeryn's pre-battle quote.

Yen'fay

“What was stolen can be returned. Were that stolen life worked the same... But I prattle on. My name is Yen'fay of Chon'sin, and I will be the end of you.”
—Yen'fay's pre-battle quote.

Aversa

“You would steal from me? How insulting. How dare you make me look as green as these other fool children... But don't worry. I'll make this just as unpleasant for you...”
—Aversa's pre-battle quote.

Priam

“I don't give a rat's tail about gold, but Risen are another story. Do you fight like your brethren back in my world, I wonder? Try to be as informative as you can while I prod at you. It'll be over quick.”
—Priam's pre-battle quote.

Closing Dialogue

After Battle

• Chrom: There. All the gold we took back from the Risen in one big pile. Gods, look at it all... Lissa and Frederick had all this? We're fighting a war here! Our army could use this money! Better weapons, new armour, more-
• Lissa: Chrom!
• Chrom: Lissa... we need to talk. 
• Lissa: Pretty great we got the gold back, huh? So can I collect my nest egg now?
• Chrom: Right, as if you could carry it all yourself... Lissa, what were you thin-
• Lissa: Three gold, please!
• Chrom: ...Come again?
• Lissa: Three gold. One, two, three. That's how much I'm missing.
• Frederick: 17 gold here, please.
• Chrom: Se...ven...teen...?
• Lissa: Wow, Frederick, double digits? Look at you, Sir Moneybags!
• Frederick: Well, you tend to come across decent coin searching roads and hunting for firewood...
• Lissa: And here I thought you were collecting pebbles the whole time!
• Chrom: Um, not to interrupt...
• Frederick: Yes, milord?
• Lissa: Hey, I'm still waiting on my three gold, Chrom. Don't be stingy!
• Chrom: You'll get your three gold, I promise. But... Aren't nest eggs usually a little bit... Oh, I don't know...
• Lissa: Bigger? I know. But money doesn't just grow on trees, Chrom!
• Chrom: Then where did the rest of all this gold come from?!
• Lissa: All this gold? All what go- ...Oh my GODS! Don't tell me all of that came from just those Risen?! Someone in the Shepherds must've been getting ready to open a bank!
• Frederick: No, milady. Not possible. Even the pathetic pocket change of all our units would not add up to half of this.
• Chrom: ...Then who did the Risen take it from?

Outrealm Gate

• Victor: 'Ow'd it go, Vince? Didja gut them Risen and strike it rich?
• Vincent: Cor! Was a right beastly mess, it was. Turns out them Risen blokes was the ones what nicked me coppers in the first place. But they was chopped into chum before I could save me savings! That blue-'aired bloke sallied in and legged it wiv every last penny!
• Victor: Blimey, Vince! If that ain't insult to injury! Still, I fink you got another chance. Them shamblin' types is undead, yeah? Which means this mansion's still stuffed to the gills wiv Risen! If you're of a mind to come back'n try again, I wager you could!
• Vincent: It's like me dear ol' mum used to say, "If at first ya don't succeed... Retry the level and don't louse it up this time, ya daft arse!"
• Victor: 'At's the spirit, Vince! Now whatsay I treat you to a trim at the barb- Huh?! Cor blimey! Me gold! It's gone!
• Vincent: Vic, don't tell me them Risen rapscallions done pinched yer pennies, too?
• Victor: I fink they did, Vincent. Them blokes broke me bank AND me 'eart!
• Vincent: Well then, mate. I reckon there's only one fing for it... Time we stopped beatin' a dead 'orse, and started beatin' a dead corpse!